What does it mean to be our authentic self? Do we bring our full authentic self to every situation or are there situations where it is best to compartmentalize or tailor for a variety of reasons and positive benefit? Does every circumstance require we bring our full selves or are there valid boundaries and reasons when we are better served by being selective? That doesn’t mean we aren’t honest with ourselves and embrace our full authentic self. Nor does it mean we aren’t honest with others. Honesty and open communication are always important and critical components of healthy relationships. At the same time, there may be elements of oneself that while not hidden with intention to deceive, don’t necessarily need to always be front and center in all circumstances. Why this topic now and what are some examples of this, you may ask?
These questions came up for me recently after learning some surprising things about others in my life. For example, I learned some of my professors, work colleagues, mentors, friends, and other professional and personal colleagues have other interests, hobbies, current side gigs, or previous jobs as singers/song writers, professional musicians in famous bands, film producers, professional artists, public speakers, coaches, professional athletes, and more. One person used to play in the Tonight Show Band and also played in the band for artists like Diana Ross, Chicago, and the Beach Boys before transitioning to a completely different field! These individuals don’t always tell everyone they meet about these aspects of themselves. These elements are all part of their full authentic selves. While at the same time they choose what time, circumstances, and audience are best to share which parts of themselves. For example, in a marriage or other intimate relationship one brings forward their full authentic self to share with their spouse/partner. In other cases, depending on what aspect of an individual’s self is being considered, it may be beneficial to be selective in what part of one’s authentic self a person wants to share with others. For example, does your coworker in a regular day job have a right or need to know about your side gig as an artist, professional coach, public speaker, singer, non-profit leader, or activist etc.? I would say no, they don’t necessarily have a right or need to know. You may choose to share those aspects of your full authentic self, but you also have a right to keep some aspects of your life more private or reserved for a select few.
That doesn’t mean you aren’t bringing your full authentic self or hiding anything. Bringing your full authentic self doesn’t mean you have to let everyone into every aspect of your life. There will always be those people and times and places where each part of your identity is best suited to for sharing with others. When do we really get in touch with our authentic self? The process is a journey that starts in childhood.
As a gay kid growing up in rural Georgia in the 1970’s I had challenges with figuring out different parts of my identity and authentic self. I was southern, cisgender male, an only son, gay (but didn’t know it or accept it fully until I was 20 years old), Christian, and many other things that defined my authentic self. I also remember when I first discovered the storyteller/speaker side of my authentic self. I was probably around 3-5 years old, and I loved to preach sermons in front of my family. I grew up attending church and watching Baptist preachers like my Uncle Ralph and others. I was attracted to the cadence and energy of their voices and engaging delivery that excited the congregation. So, I would take my little New Testament bible, stand tall upon a foot stool, and give a loud, high-energy sermon, imitating what I heard from the church pulpits. The family loved it, and my Great Aunt Alma proclaimed, “That boy will be a preacher or teacher one day."
Like many gay kids, I struggled with and hid my authentic self out of preservation and safety. The attached photo below with me in the Lone Ranger mask is a fitting symbol of the mask I wore for many years to hide my authentic self. Fast forward to when I joined the Air Force in 1990, still closeted, but knowing deep down I was gay, I continued hiding my authentic self out of fear of retribution and losing my military career. After six years in the military that I loved, I sadly chose to leave active duty because I couldn’t be my full authentic self and feared being kicked out mid-career as I had seen so many others before me. I chose to leave active duty, be my full authentic self, and later join forces with other fellow veterans and activists to change the policies and laws so other LGBTQ+ people like me would be able to serve as their full authentic selves without fear. And we made that happen in our lifetime!
Now, when I think about being your full authentic self it is about first and foremost feeling that sense of oneness internally. Where you personally bring all of those different aspects of yourself together in harmony with one another and fully embrace your authentic self without reservation or judgement, but instead with love, acceptance, and celebration of all that makes you unique. When this happens, I liken it to my experiences with learning to row crew when I was 39.
Learning to row crew in a boat of eight rowers with a coxswain is challenging. I envision each of the eight rowers as unique elements of one’s authentic self. Each has a unique position, sometimes all engaged at once, but other times engaged individually or in different combinations depending on the circumstances in navigating the waters. When all eight rowers are new, they hold their oars at different heights even before starting to row, which makes the boat unstable and jerk back and forth. Then, when the novice rowers are seated in each unique position on either port or starboard side of the boat and have their oars at somewhat the same height and position, the boat settles a bit. Next, as the coxswain gives the orders for individual rower positions to begin rowing to move the boat away from the dock, the real fun begins.
Getting eight novice rowers to drop their oars into the water at the same time, same oar blade position and depth, and row in synchronization is quite the feat. As a rower you quickly learn how important timing with all eight rowers is to have a smooth row. The boat jerkily moves across the water as each novice rower struggles to align with their fellow rowers and put into practice what they learned before getting on the river for the first time. It takes lots of patience and practice to begin sensing the synchronization among all eight rowers. But I don’t think there’s a single crew rower that forgets the first time as a novice when all eight rowers were in perfect synchronization as all oars dropped perfectly aligned into the water, took a perfect row in unison, removed and feathered their oars at the same timing and height to achieve the perfect silent glide of the boat underneath you elegantly across the surface of the water. That feeling of all eight rowers in perfect harmony resulting in the silent glide across the water is what I compare to elements of an individual’s full authentic self coming together in harmony for themselves. You feel the ease of the silent glide across the waters of your life. It is a sublime feeling. The currents and turbulence of the water underneath you are still there, as in any part of life, but your sense of confidence for how well you can navigate those waters of life have transformed. You are rowing in sync with your full authentic self.
Also, in addition to finding that internal harmony, it is equally important, working externally towards a world that embraces equality and inclusion so that if one chooses to share their full authentic self, they shouldn’t have to worry about being shunned or fear retribution.
So, going back to my initial questions and comments about when and where to share different aspects of your authentic self and finding out about the unique activities of others, I’m reminded of an episode from one of my favorite 1980’s TV comedies, Designing Women. In season 5 episode 15 entitled, How Long Has This Been Going, the prim and proper character Julia Sugarbaker is secretly moonlighting as a lounge singer in a Blues Nightclub under the pseudonym of Giselle. The other women find out and go to see “Giselle” perched on a piano, dressed in a short, tight fitting sparkly dress, and wearing a long sultry black wig, to which her sister Suzanne immediately exclaims, “That’s my wig!” The other women are shocked to learn about this side of Julia’s authentic self they never knew about. It wasn’t something that Julia necessarily needed to share with others. It was something she was very talented at doing, singing, and performing, and that she enjoyed. She wasn’t embarrassed once they found out, but she chose to keep that part of her authentic self separate from her other work and personal life, which was entirely her prerogative. I thought about this episode and Julia’s alter ego Giselle and my friends and colleagues who have other sides that I didn’t know about before, and it reminded me that being my authentic self internally is one thing, but externally, it can take on different perspectives, depending on timing and circumstances, and that’s ok.
I’ve made many career pivots in my professional life, taken up different hobbies and non-profit and activist causes, and embraced diverse interests throughout my 54 years in life. And I’m blessed that I can bring my full authentic self to work and other personal and professional relationships. While at the same time, I have the choice to select and tailor different elements of my authentic self that best fit for any given time, place, and audience. To me, that feels like a perfect unison stroke in a boat of eight as we lift and feather our oars together for that sublime silent glide across the water.
As always, I encourage you to think about the elements that make up your authentic self. What’s your story for how you discovered each element? What does bringing your full authentic self mean to you? Are there times where you think it is more productive for you to tailor what elements of your authentic self you let others see? How does that help, or does it cause negative results? I’m genuinely curious about your stories and how others see this concept of authenticity. If comfortable, share your thoughts in the comments or message me anytime. May my story inspire you to find what works best for you in being your authentic self in whatever way that allows you to thrive
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