Finding Your Tribe: The Importance of Belonging
What is your tribe? Or do you belong to many different tribes? How do you define tribe? On this Veterans Day 2023 weekend, as a Veteran, I reflect on my membership as part of the military tribe, my connections to other tribes, and the importance of belonging. First, one definition of tribe is a group of people with a common ancestry, and/or common culture, language, customs, rituals, social organization(s) and beliefs.
Most definitions of tribe include references to the distinct cultural and tight social bonds between members, their commitment to a common mission, and to each other. I like the analogy used by author Sebastian Junger in his book Tribe. In a personal account while he was hitchhiking cross-country in his youth, Sebastian expands yet simplifies the definition of tribe as “the people you feel compelled to share the last of your food with” (Junger, Sebastian. Tribe. 12: Hatchet Book Group. 2016. Print) It is a book I highly recommend reading. His tribe definition aligns with what I feel as part of the military community. The old adages of no one left behind and taking care of our own, run deep in military tribe culture.
I will always feel a connection and since of belonging in my military tribe. And there are other tribes I have a since of belonging with throughout my life. I feel a since of tribal connection as a Southerner, born and raised in Georgia. And by that, I mean the tribal culture of family, community, love of nature, culture, food, traditions, music, art of storytelling, friendliness and hospitality, and simplicity of life etc. I also have tribal connections through other work I’ve done in the law enforcement and national security communities and other industries throughout my career. And I feel a strong sense of tribal connections as an openly gay Christian man and civil rights advocate with my LGBTQ+ community, faith community, and the many non-profit and social organizations I’ve belonged to and supported over the years.
I’m thankful for all my tribal connections that provide me meaning in life, purpose, sense of belonging, and feeling that I’m contributing to a collective mission greater than myself. But what happens when our connections to those tribes are cut short or drastically changed, sometimes through mistakes or bad decisions of our own or through no fault of our own? What do you feel like when suddenly you are no longer part of a particular tribe that was so important and integral to your sense of purpose? You may feel unmoored, cut loose from your anchor in a safe harbor, cast out to rough unfamiliar seas in a storm, tossed about on the angry waves without any sense of which way is up or down or where you are going next. No idea where the next safe harbor is or even if there will be one.
I know that I’ve felt that way a few times in my life when I was cut loose from a tribe or my relationship with the tribe changed. I experienced it when I left active-duty military service as a gay man in December 1995. I wanted to stay in the military and continue serving until retirement, but the current Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy at the time made serving in the military as a gay man a dangerous hostile environment where I never knew if I was going to be kicked out just for being who I am. I could no longer continue serving under those stressful conditions and sadly chose to leave a career and tribe that I loved and a mission I cared for deeply. Many of my LGBT friends stayed on and continued their careers until retirement, and I commend their bravery, sacrifice, and service. I felt mixed emotions of relief for leaving the pressures of serving under DADT and guilt for being selfish and not staying on like so many of my friends. When I left active duty, I felt cut loose from my mooring and separate from the tribe. But then I realized I was still part of the military tribe, even if I was no longer active duty. My service record and membership in that tribe still stood, even if I was no longer physically part of that community and tribe. I took those connections and sense of belonging with me into my new journey and embracing new tribes.
Fast forward 21 years, and I had another similar experience in 2016. After working for 15+ years in the law enforcement and national security community, once again, I found myself cut loose from being a day-to-day part of those tribes as my career changed dramatically due to numerous factors, some based on bad decisions of my own and some events out of my control. I had worked for 20+ years in my career without the need for completing my college degree. My past work experience had been the equivalent of a degree for advancing my career successfully. But suddenly, the jobs I did for 20+ years with no degree, required a minimum of a bachelor’s degree, no matter how many years of experience I had. I felt unmoored, lost, and scared to be cut loose from my tribe, but I dug deep inside and remembered my other life stories and experiences, finding that inner resilience that served me well before. And boy would I need it in the next couple of years!
In 2017, I had to go back to university at the age of 47 and complete my bachelor’s degree as soon as possible to be employable in my career field. It was a rough two years, but in 2017 and 2018, I pulled together all my prior university coursework credits and attended school full time, while also working full-time in a remote consulting position to complete my bachelor’s degree by December 2018, at the age of 48. At the same time in 2018, I unexpectedly had to help my sister and family with my mom and dad and their major health issues, including a pancreatic cancer diagnosis for my father. He sadly died eight weeks after his cancer diagnosis, and my mom died from an apparent heart attack ten weeks after my father died. 2017-2018 was definitely a major blur with a new remote job, full-time university, and the death of both of my parents. But I found my resilience to persevere through my prior stories.
I didn’t stop there. I immediately enrolled in a master’s degree program because most of the jobs I applied for were ‘minimum of bachelor’s degree’ but ‘master’s degree preferred.” I didn’t want to get 5-10 years later in my career and suddenly the same positions became “master’s degree required.” Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So, with a one year break due to COVID pandemic, I completed my master’s degree in May 2022 at the age of 52.
During this time, I felt a sense of loss and sadness no longer being part of those tribal communities in law enforcement and national security. But I dug deep inside my own stories to find my resilience to press on and thrive. And I also found other new tribes to be a part of such as the railroad industry now. But I also remind myself that even though I’m no longer working in the law enforcement and national security communities, my work there still stands, and I am part of those tribal communities still today. Even though I’m not physically working there, I feel a sense of connection and belonging, shared mission, language, culture, and I would gladly share my last food with anyone in those tribal communities as I would all of the other tribal communities I’ve belonged to over my lifetime.
So, the lesson here is this. No matter whether you are still part of those tribal communities physically or not, you are always a tribal member. And even if you are physically alone, you are never fully, truly alone. The spirit and connections from those tribal communities you belong to, are always with you, surrounding you and inspiring you to strive towards your shared goals and mission, and encouraging you to thrive and grow where you are in space and time. We all desire a sense of belonging, and our tribal connections provide that to us, even when we are physically alone. So, I encourage you to look around and deep within and find those tribal connections and community. And there you will find your sense of belonging that we all desire and need to thrive
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